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March and The Moment
By Margot | March 3, 2011
First, I should give an update on the boys. They are good. They are thriving. I met with Charlie’s teachers this week for his parent teacher conference and they said how well he is doing and that he is a real leader in his class. They told me what a detailed and careful artist he is (I couldn’t help be reminded of Sam) and marveled at how much he enjoys dancing and putting on some moves at school during music. He’s definitely got some rhythm. They said he is ready for kindgergarten next year, which we knew and were planning on but he is an August baby, and many well meaning people have suggested we wait as that seems to be the trend. He’s ready though and it was nice to hear from his teachers that they think he’ll do well. He finished up his basketball season and is on to soccer. I’m coaching and it’s fun to watch him as he gets better and better. He is a funny funny boy. Loves to hide under covers and have us pretend to get tired of looking for him and use him as a pillow and then pretend to be surprised when the pillow moves. That never gets old for him.
Andy is juggling all of his sports and chess and doing well in school. He’s still got a posse of girls that love to chase him after school – I think I posted that last time. He’s excited for March Madness, though it’s a little delicate explaining to him why BYU’s best rebounder is out for the season. Sorry to be cryptic but if you read the sports articles you’ll know what I mean ;-). We all went to see the USD vs. Gonzaga game last weekend and even though USD got crushed the boys had a great time and Neil and I were glad we took them. Andy is excited for Grandpa to come in April. He’s going to do a science presentation for his class like he did for Sam’s classes. Sam did not like much being in the spotlight for that but Andy is super excited. He doesn’t shy away from the spotlight ;-). He and I stopped by the new hospital oncology ward after his dentist’s vist and dropped off some ToysRus gift cards. He was very cute with nurse Sam and she couldn’t believe how big he’d gotten. It is odd to go the new hospital because I don’t have any connection to it or any memories of Sam there. I see the old building and am flooded with memories. Makes it easier to go the new hospital I guess.
Life is funny. After five years of trying to force myself to live in the moment and try not to dwell too much about the future and take every precious moment with the kids and cherish them, this past year I have been trying to be so busy as to be forced to live in the now so that I don’t drown in the past. But March has arrived and with it the past will slam into me and force me to face the hard reality of one whole year without Sam, without his laugh, or his smile, without his arms and legs wrapped around me so I could carry him, or his stubborn insistence on something, or his great dance moves, or keen observations that I would have never noticed, or his eye roll, or his ribbing of his brothers, or his excellent scrabble game, or his demanding me to read. Before Sam died when I wasn’t living in the moment, I would worry. How? How I would think, will I be able to look at the 5th graders, or someone with healies, or artichokes, or Harry Potter or Percy Jackson or The Diary of a Wimpy Kid? How will I hear the song All Star? I couldn’t imagine surviving it just as when Sam was first diagnosed I thought “How in the world will we get through all this treatment, this horrible, awful treatment? Now when I let myself think about it, I think how will I get through March 12th? It will be a hard one to fake. I keep thinking about Sally Field in the movie Steel Magnolias when she is yelling that she’s fine that she could run miles but her daughter can’t and never could. I feel like that a lot. I wonder that I have survived all that I thought I couldn’t and thanks to a grief induced exercise obsession am in good physical shape – it’s totally incongruent in my brain.
I’m sure we will get through March 12 – each of our family in our own way. Another couple of quotes that I think about from Steel Magnolias: one from Sally Field “I was there when this wonderful creature drifted into our lives and I was there when she drifted out.” Both Neil and I were there when Sam drifted (more like crashed in his case) into our lives and were there when he drifted out. When I’m in a good spot, I try to think that we are lucky for that (when I’m in a bitter spot I question why he had to drift out at all). The other quote from Steel Magnolias that I’ve been thinking about lately is from Shelby, the daughter in the movie who died, “I’d rather have 30 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.” I would rather have had nine and a half years of Sam than a lifetime of no Sam.
We were lucky to have Sam as we are lucky to have his special, wonderful brothers – all three the lights of our life.
Margot
Topics: Progress Reports | 14 Comments »
March 3rd, 2011 at 10:23 pm
As I sit here with tears streaming down my face I am forced to remember how painful it is to Live your life while a dear loved son or brother cannot. It sucks. There is no better explanation. Pain and suckiness!
After my brother passed I had a very old wise friend tell me that “you (i) will be such a better person for going through this experience, that we are the ‘sum of all our experiences'” and this would somehow make me a better, stronger person. I wanted to kick the crap out of that guy. I didn’t care how much ‘better’ it would make me. I just lost my brother- the kid who was my glue, my reason to breathe.
Somehow, someday you will see a little clearer, breathe a bit easier, and remember without too much pain. As, sadly that guy that I wanted to kick the crap out of was partly right. I didn’t know it till I met you that I would ever feel this much pain and anguish again. But this time I understood all those feelings and could help you cope. I love you my dear friend. Wish I was still there for you. I feel so much like I abandon you guys. Please call me If you want to chat. 🙂
March 4th, 2011 at 12:05 am
Margot, for what it is worth, you are my hero.
March 4th, 2011 at 3:04 am
Have you all on our minds especially during this month of March….
much comfort and love sent your way,
Colleen and all the Kuhn’s
March 4th, 2011 at 3:27 am
I have been thinking of you alot lately. Was thinking about you this am o the way to work. I lost a really good friend and co-worker a few weeks before Sam so it is so fresh to me. I am so sorry for you guys. Sending loving thoughts your way. Angela (Madison’s Mom)
March 4th, 2011 at 3:41 am
Margs and Red-
Just today I was walking in a parking lot and considering how much weight is too much and I was thinking of Sam and you and Neil.
I knew Sam for maybe 5 or 6 hours..the actual time I spent with him. He reserved his special dont get too close Uncle Tom sneer for me. He was a tough SOB..so tough that when I looked at him I always thought of his Dad and how tough Red is..
So, yes, 30 minutes of amazing toughness fuels me now and again. I miss Sam but am so proud and better to have known him.
March 4th, 2011 at 3:42 pm
We love all five of you Hutchisons and always will. Our boys will always be grateful that Sam was, and remains, in their life and thoughts. So many people miss him, so many people remember, so many people are touched and changed forever. You brought three amazing kids into the world – all of whom are making it a better place. Sam had less time on Earth to change it — but he certainly accomplished so much. I’ll never forget saying goodbye to Sam on March 12th – but I’ll also never forget so many other days when Sam filled my sons’ world with smiles, friendship, love, healthy competition, generosity of spirit, curiosity, wonder, and joy. Love all five of you – The Bonebrakes
March 5th, 2011 at 12:03 am
Hutchinsons,
I don’t know if I’ve ever commented on here before, but I have been following your blog for a couple of years after finding it through someone else.
Anyway, the point is just to tell you that there is a complete stranger who thinks of you and your family often. I never knew Sam, and even just from your stories and photos of his cute face, he has had a profound impact on me. I don’t like to say “everything happens for a reason” because really there is no good reason for plenty of things — but there was a reason that Sam was given to you. You are terrific parents, and the five of you together have touched more people than you can imagine. I think of him and your family often.
Sophie
March 8th, 2011 at 10:01 am
thinking of all of you…. Jan
March 9th, 2011 at 1:32 am
Dear Marg&Neil and Andy & Charlie,
I just sent a little card wishing youall much love and peace but,that was before I read your beautiful blog, Margot! Hopefully, a little pot of shamrocks will arrive on March 12th; to signify how lucky you were to have Sam and to remember him on March 17th! We all have a little corner of our homes and hearts dedicated and cherished to Sam! I’ll listen to Sam’s funeral service on March 12th; relish all your wonderful stories and memories about him as you and Neil so bravely told and read all the wonderful things he said or did. There was much humor and life in that beautiful memorial service on March 17th,2010. Then again, you had a wonderful “All Star” celebration of Sam’s life in Kate Sessions park on a beautiful day in April,2010! Be so proud of the way you celebrated his life on those days and everyday Sam lived! It’s all about love; and you’re both surrounded by it and blessed with it! Andy and Charlie will pull you through! as well the Hutchisons who will be there(Joan,Tom and Matt) All the Maleys,all your friends will have all fourof you plus Sam in their thoughts and prayers!
So Much Love,Mom “Grandma Sara”
P.S. Reach out to the Dudleys who lost Sydney on that same day; and to Patricks parents who just lost him three days ago. For that matter,remember all the families who have lost a child; and know that all the children are running around playing four square with Sam in Heaven! Love, SIM
March 10th, 2011 at 2:35 am
Red and Marg’s –
Packing tonight to get out to San Diego and tears are flowing freely…
Reading Grandmom Sara and her wonderful optimistic thoughts…
Thinking of all the people who Sam touched and changed.
Sam, my hero.
March 11th, 2011 at 5:22 pm
You are all in my thoughts this weekend. I am hoping that all the reminders and memories of what a great 9 years Sam had with you will help you pull through the pain somewhat. In those 9 years, he lived more than most people do in a lifetime. Andy and Charlie will continue that tradition of getting the very most out of every moment. We love you.
Nicole, Reed and Wyatt
March 12th, 2011 at 1:48 am
We’re all thinking of you down here in the land of Oz. It still amazes me how powerful Sam’s presence is and the effect he continues to have on so many people. What you wote is the most pertinent – and appropriate – point of view: the gift of Sam, though far too brief – was, is and will continue to be something for which all of us should be truly grateful. And Mom’s right – you guys have dome an unbelievable job of honouring and cherishing his memory.
I want to paste something here that speaks to that; apologies for taking so much space, hope you guys like it as much as I do:
Carmelite saying on Death:
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
that we are still.
Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way, which you always used.
Put no difference in your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without affect, without a trace of a shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolutely unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval,
Somewhere very near,
Just around the corner.
All is well. Nothing is past, nothing is lost.
One brief moment and all will be as it was before only better, infinitely happier and forever.
We will all be one together.
Lots of love,
Paul, Kaz, Marty, Anneli & Finnbar
March 12th, 2011 at 3:29 am
Thinking of you guys this weekend. Lots of loving thoughts and prayers. Angela (Madison’s Mom)
March 13th, 2011 at 4:05 pm
Thinking of you all and sending best wishes and prayers from across the pond.